Tammy's Coffee House

me

2011-10-02T17:47:00.003-04:00

It is not that I have not anything to say, it is just that all that I have to say to me does not seem worthing of talking about. However I seem to be getting better, hopefully I will writing soon...

writing again

2010-05-12T19:40:00.001-04:00

Well after a long hard winter, its time I started writing again. So look out here I come!!!

State of Recovery

2009-09-07T08:23:00.001-04:00

I had Surgery back on Sept 1st, and have been taking it easy, since I have at least 4 weeks off of work.

I won’t go into details of the surgery, except for the worst part for me, which is being put under anesthesia, or put to sleep as some people say.

I loose time. Meaning, when I go under, everything is blank; and when I am woken up, it feels as if I was only out for an instant, but in reality I have been out for 4 hours. I do not have a sense of time passing. . I remember nothing and I do not dream during that time.
In my mind, I have lost 4 hours in time that I cannot account for. I know that sounds weird but this is how I feel.

It is not the same thing when you are sleeping. When sleeping, most people dream, or have a sense of time passing as they sleep. You know you have slept for 4, 6, or even 8 hours, by either dreaming, coming in and out of conscience during the night, or other small indications that lends it self to the night. You wake up rested and mostly ready for the day (minus the jolt of caffeine).

Coming out of anesthesia, someone calls your name; you don’t recognize the voice; you hear strange noises and other voices that you don’t recognize; and you are in a different room from where you started. A dense fog comes over you and you blank again for a few moments, until you hear the voices again, and you are moving to a different room.
It takes a long time before you are coherently aware of what is going on around you.

I feel very vulnerable... I hate loosing time…

pain...

2009-06-17T21:44:00.000-04:00

Pain reaches my heart every day I am not close to you.
I try not to remember, but I do, and it hurts
Do you not see?
Do you not care?
You confuse me, again and again…..
I cannot dwell on you any longer.
Until you decide….maybe you have….

?...?

2009-04-16T21:25:00.001-04:00

Have you seen my face?
You have seen my eyes

You smile, and I smile
Have you seen my heart?

Why do you not hear me?
I listen to you

I am alone
Why can’t you stay?

I can not breathe when you are near
Where are you?

Do I cry for you?
…... yes ......

In Passing....

2009-04-08T22:11:00.000-04:00

As we pass from one moment to the next,
Our lives are touched by so many people.
Some by a smile
Some by a word
Others by a touch
As we pass from one moment to the next,
Friends are created
Some by a smile
Some by a word
Others by a touch
As we pass from one moment to the next,
We are connected.
And, in that moment
We smile
We speak
We touch
And in passing by, in that moment
A memory is made.

My cure for the Economy...

2008-12-02T21:31:00.004-05:00

The economy sucks and the government thinks giving money to the Car makers will stimulate the economy. They are WRONG!!! The only thing it will stimulate is the conglomerate’s pockets giving them a cheap thrill! And within a few months nothing will have changed, except now the government will have to be “Bailed out by some other country”

What the government needs to do and I am proposing to each and every one who happens by my blogg, to write or call their congressmen and demand the “TRICKLE UP ECONOMICS”

Yes that is what I said “TRICKLE UP ECONOMICS”

Here is how it works.

Take the money the government is planning on giving to the multi million dollar companies who can’t seem to manage "pouring piss out of a boot with the directions on the heal”, and give to the tax payers of the United States.

Now we worked the basics out below,
The government gives “US”, the tax payers the bail out money instead of the conglomerates, splitting it up among us. This would approximately give each tax payer about $100,000.00 each. (In some house holds it would be double because of two tax payers)

Now “We The People”, will in turn take this money and start paying off bills; buying new cars; buying new housing; rebuilding on existing housing; buying new clothes; pay for college; take trips; go to restaurants; go dancing; buy groceries; buy gas; have that elective surgery; and save some for a rainy day.
These small actions by “US” the lowly Tax payer will be in the long run “STIMULATING” the economy by “trickling up” the funds that the government provided.

The trickle up theory would make for a much faster turn around in the economy (buy just about 9 months) and the economy would be better, not perfect but better.

If you think this proposal is a good one then please by all means LET THE GOVERNMENT KNOW!!!” Before they throw money away !!

Thank you

I Don't Understand....

2008-10-26T21:49:00.000-04:00

I do not know how to take this any more.
You confuse me….
I don’t understand

There are moments when I can see right though you.
I know what you are thinking and how you are feeling.
Other moments are muddled with emotion that I cannot explain…
Leaving me in the dark again, alone, trying to find my way back.

Why do I care if you don’t
Why should it matter to me if it does not matter to you….
Why can’t I just leave and let you go..

I don’t understand.
You confuse me
I do not know how to take this any more..

Another Accident....

2008-09-29T22:14:00.003-04:00

My Daughter has had her first car accident.
She was not hurt(thank god), and the accident was not her fault (yah!!), however it has been and will be a total inconvenience for her and for me.

Today by 10:30, I have had at least 6 calls from different auto-body repair and medical (chiropractic ) repair. Austin had 15 calls concerning the same thing! This is what I consider assault and abuse of one’s time and sanity!
It is like a feeding frenzy! They smell a little bit of burnt rubber and hear the crunch of metal against metal and the vultures swarm and circle hoping to land for smorgasbord of green that may have bled from the pockets the insurance company.
It is ridiculous to have to deal with the vultures, beating them off with a stick, telling them point blank that they are ambulance chasers and need to find another victim. I am tired of it! And the mail has not started yet!
Now I know these vultures have to do their job, but I mean really! 21 calls total before 10:30?? What happened to privacy! We have privacy laws protecting us from people having access to our medical records without our permission, privacy laws for employers to follow about our employment, why cannot we have privacy for accidents we have? If she was hurt, I have a doctor that we can go to. If she had gotten seriously hurt then the hospital would have been the next choice.
I am not going to send her to some fly-by-night phone call chiropractor that may have gotten their degree from a mail order catalog! I would have taken her to her trusted doctor and if need be, he could refer me to what ever specialist needed to assist her in her recovery.
I am sure there are people, who do not have regular doctors and may appreciate a call or two, but maybe not 20 of them, but who knows they may like the attention. Maybe they want to sock it to the other person, especially if it means sucking money out of an insurance company.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not in any way shape or form have an “in” with the insurance company, I don’t work for them nor do I advertise for them. I just don’t believe in getting money for something that is contrived by a scare tactic or that was not deserved in any way shape or form.
But, if it was “needed”, by all means she would have been in the hospital getting what ever medical attention needed, and the insurance company would have covered it.

I am just glad that the other guy had insurance. His insurance has been very nice to me and my daughter (I know I am just a claim number) and they have handled this with the up-most professionalism.
They have totaled her car; she has only had this car for about 4 months. The check thy provided was at least 100.00 more that what she originally paid for the car (we have already deposited the check) , so we have begun looking for another car. They have given us a week and a half to find another car before they take the broken one. Her car is still drivable and it the damage caused did not seem it would have totaled the car, but the insurance stated that inside damage may have incurred which will move the price even higher, so it was best to total it.

So now we are franticly looking for another car. One that runs and one that is good on gas; hopefully the calls will stop, the mail will slow; such a pain;
I am so thankful that she was not hurt…

thoughts

2008-09-26T21:15:00.001-04:00

I cannot sleep… and yet I sleep way too much
I cannot cry… or I cry all of the time
I cannot laugh… or I laugh not enough
I cannot sing… well never could anyway
I cannot hear…. Yet I listen
I cannot live…. Yet I do

Time

2008-08-23T21:10:00.002-04:00

There are 365 days in a year…..
24 hours in a day……
60 minutes in an hour……
60 seconds in minute……

This cannot change. We cannot add more time. These are set and precise
No matter how hard we want to or how hard we wish, we cannot add another minute to that hour, squeeze another hour to that day; an extra day to the year. We are limited to these constraints.

More time is not the answer……
A different way of looking at it may be…….
Find time to manage time……

not in a good place ...

2008-07-11T19:21:00.002-04:00

Don't know where I am coming from and don't know where I have been.
Just not in a good place right now

A Tribute To Dad

2008-06-14T21:59:00.009-04:00

Days have past...
I still think of you ...
I miss you...

Months have past...
Bad memories have faded...
I honor you...

Years have past...
You are still in my heart...
I Love you...

Thoughts...

2008-05-26T08:32:00.002-04:00

Everyone has thoughts that they do not share with anyone.
Possibly the only person who understands you is yourself. .
There are thoughts that I would not talk to anyone about, keeping them hidden with in me.
I am not an open book.
I have chapters that no one has seen.
My mind jumps and fumbles over these thoughts all day long, fantasizing.
Everyday, something happens and I fantasize on what could have happened.
Sometimes, it scares me how my mind works

The Path of Time

2008-04-23T21:26:00.002-04:00

Often I walk the path of time
'
Seeking a dream
........................... Listening for happiness
Wanting a Taste of experience
...........................Needing a scent of excitement
Craving the touch of love

It is but a fleeting moment and the path ends

My day today........

2008-04-11T22:06:00.001-04:00

This day started as any other day at work. Moving stuff around the warehouse and making sure there is enough work for people to do.

At my job I use a walkie-talkie to talk to lift drivers and to convey information and instructions through out the day. Well on this day, my walkie-talkie sat on my desk and all at once we started hearing other strange voices, coming over the radio, and we soon discovered that we were listening to the police dealing with a gunman and a hostage situation on a bus somewhere close to where I work.
It was quite interesting to listen to police and the excitement of what they were doing, but we never figured out where it was or what happened at the end. The radio would only pick up about half of the conversations and I think after a while they moved out of range or changed frequencies. We never heard how it ended. I tried looking on the news web sites and did not find anything.

Then this evening, I went to a local mall to walk around and do some shopping. I was not there more than 10 minutes, when I was stopped from crossing through a portion of the mall by the police cording off the area because of a suspicious small suit case or back pack that had been left unattended tucked behind a garbage can.
The police were guiding people away from the area and the bomb squad was called in along with bomb sniffing dogs.
We stood back about 100 feet and watched or tried to watch what was going on. It was quite exciting, especially when the brought in water cannon and exploded the back pack in the mall! People behind me screamed and ran the other direction. I, along with another lady stood and laughed at the whole situation. I guess we were more excited than scared.
They finally let us past the rope and I watched as the detectives in a smaller corded area, cleaned up and picked up small bits of debris from the exploded bag. I was quite impressed with what they were doing and wished that I could have been a part of their team.

2:30 AM Can't sleep.

2008-03-11T02:47:00.003-04:00

It is 2:30 am and I should be in bed, but my mind is working overtime right now and not letting me relax.
Things I have to get done;

Making, or pulling together Pirate costumes for “Pirates of Penzance”.

Cleaning out the basement after the flood;
Dealing with the insurance company over the flooded basement;
The Washer dying after the flood and having to go to the laundry mat and spending time and money to get clean clothes for the week;

Kitchen remodel that has come to a stand still because of the basement flood;

School issues with my son Braden who seems to think a “D” is an acceptable grade;
Making time for my daughter Austin when she calls and wants me to help her;

Work issues/ trying to get projects completed or at least to a reasonable point to where I feel like I have accomplished something instead of spinning around in my chair;
Dealing with other stuff at work;

I wish my mind would not work so hard in making things seem more complicated than it is. Or at least allow my brain to zone out so I could sleep……..

Snow and more snow.....

2008-03-08T19:24:00.010-05:00

When it was all said and done, we averaged about 16 inches of white fluffy stuff.

passes and advances.

2008-02-08T21:18:00.000-05:00

How do you know when someone is making a pass at you; or a subtle advance? Or was it just a simple touch, a slip of the hand. Where his fingers brush across yours in a way that makes you wonder why he would touch you at all.
Was there a need?
I mean yes, he was handing me something, but he did not necessarily need to touch my hand to hand it to me, but he did.
And it did not feel as a simple touch, but more of a deliberate touch, one where he had to reach out with his fingers and move across the back of my hand, and linger just long enough that it did not feel as an accidental touch.
I talk to a lot of guys at work and a lot of them get a kick out of teasing me, and having fun with me, but I know that it is all in fun and it does not bother me in the least.
But this one guy, I don’t know.
I don’t know, maybe I am stupid and read more into things than I should.
I am not that good looking and I don’t have a body worth looking at either, so why would any one make any type of a pass at me?

Workin for a Livin....

2008-02-06T21:22:00.000-05:00

Working to pay the bills and working to have some extra cash. However you work over time everyday; all the time; no weekends to call your own, then is it for living? Or are you living to work.
.
This seems to be happening lately with me. For the past 3 days I have put in a total of around 13 hours of overtime and it is only Wednesday. It seems that I get home, have a glass of wine then go to bed early because I am exhausted and I am up again at 6am to start again. Nothing is getting done at the house, such as cleaning or home improvement projects.
I have to sit back and wonder, is it all worth it. Is it worth the extra effort to have money to spend or am I fooling myself. If I work all of this over time, then I have no time to do the things that I want.
‘
Question to ponder……..
.;;
If a tornado swooped down and took all that you worked for in one single sweep; your house is gone. The car is gone. All your stuff that you had collected over the years is gone; what would you do? Everything you worked for is gone and the only thing you have is the clothes on your back. Would you start again in getting back the “things” that you lost with your insurance money (that is if you had insurance)?
Or would you take a different direction….

Mother’s Worst Nightmare

2008-01-30T22:15:00.000-05:00

There are times when being a mother is a joy and it gives you all the wealth you could ever imagine.
There are times when being a mother, pulls every emotion out of your body leaving you with no energy to deal with everyday life.
Austin, my daughter broke her finger today at college; ended up in the emergency room and now has a splint on it.
Now I know what you are saying… Not a big deal! It’s only a finger! It’s not like she broke her neck or got run over by a speeding semi!
No it is not like that…but you still go through the same emotions.
.
In my mind as I was going to the hospital was “It’s only a finger… not like she cut her hand off” but I was also thinking at the same time “she could have cut her hand off, or she could have got hit by a semi” It could have been much worse than what it was. I was grateful that it was only a finger.
.
My emotions seem to always run a muck through my mind thinking up different scenarios of what could happen to my kids and how to deal with it; trying to make me feel more prepared to handle any crisis that may come along. However, when it comes right down to it, there is not a way to make you more “prepared”. You have to have faith that your kids will make it through life unscathed, and if they don't, pray that you have the the ability to handle it

I know that I cannot always protect her while she is away from school and I have to trust her own instincts when it comes to decisions on what she does through life, but it scares me.
.
Its all part of growing up, and not just her, but me as well.

DEPRESSION

2008-01-20T23:09:00.000-05:00

Friday was my day for depression. It started sometime in the morning and got progressively worse through out the day. I am not sure why or what brings on days like this but I have them every once in a while.

I get the feeling of over whelming helplessness and or sadness, where I don’t think I can do anything or feel any other emotion except loneness. I cannot handle being with anyone I know, and I don’t want to be alone either.
So I will wonder in stores or malls for hours. with people milling around, I am not alone; but I am.
This past Friday I wondered in and out of stores for about three hours. Did not really buy anything, nor did I really look at anything. I just wandered about.

Saturday I was fine. I worked on my book; did laundry; took Austin driving. I kept busy most of the day. So I am better now for the most part.

I just would like to figure out why I get depressed like that. It does not happen often, maybe once or twice every six months or so, and then it goes away. Hormonal? Maybe, but I don’t think so.

I don’t take any medication for it which is a good thing, and I don’t think I need to since I only have bouts of it every once in a while. I just want to know why

I am not too old to...

2008-01-09T06:47:00.000-05:00

.....Laugh and Play
.......................Run in open fields
.....Lay in the sun’s ray
.......................Sing when the mood yields
.....Watch the stars in awe
.......................Dance in the falling rain
…..Watch the ants crawl
.......................Fly a paper airplane
…..Roll down a grassy hill
.......................Swing up high
.....Dream by my window sill
.......................Cry

Random thoughts today

2007-12-18T07:11:00.000-05:00

Christmas is Seven days away!!

Don’t panic it will be ok

Snow falling softly
Winter lights

Count the many blessings you have
Spread your joy through out the year
Befriend a neighbor
Laugh

How quiet, how peaceful, at night, just before dawn I walk along the beach hearing the rushing sound of the ocean.

More than ever, I miss me
I am lost within myself
Looking for where I am at.
Where I am going
Where I have been

Still searching

Blending in with the surroundings and not standing out in the crowd
Making choices, good or bad but choices just the same

Learn to see; learn to listen
Give your opinion then shut up and don’t dwell on the subject

Am I strong or am I weak
I have callous on my feet

Do I walk upon your heart
Ignore you from the start

Then warm to your existence
And watch you run in resistance

I walk away and ignore you once more

Scream

Christmas once again......

2007-12-06T21:32:00.000-05:00

Once again we dig out the decorations that had been packed away in the basement or attic since last year. Ahhhhhh, the musty smell of Christmas lingers though out the house as we try to put up the artificial tree without the directions once again.
Christmas is a time for reflection for me, to look back on the past years events that have happened to me and others around me.
A lot has happened this past year that saddens me; I have had two deaths in my family which are people that I will miss deeply.
My Grandmother, who died in earlier in the year; she was 98 and had led a very full and eventful life. She was asked one time when she turned around 93, why she has lived so long. Her reply was, “I need to raise my boys”. She was referring to my Dad, and his two brothers, who I know put quite a few gray hairs on her head.
Also, we lost my Brother in-law on November 25th. He leaves behind a legacy of wit and laughter that will be missed by everyone in this family.
I have friends that are going in different directions, one is talking about moving to Boston and another has joined the Peace Corp and will be leaving soon on his adventure. I pray for both their safety and wish them the best in their endeavors.
A lot has made me happy this past year; my daughter doing well in college, my son “finally” doing well in school.
I still have a roof over my head, despite the rising cost of living and the non-rising paycheck.
I am close to my younger sister and becoming closer {I hope} to my older sister.
I have a brother who I have always adored, and his beautiful daughter that he has raised on his own since she was 4. She will soon be 16; boy that time has flown!
I still have my mom and my aunt who live together. They are sooo funny! They will complain about each other in private to either me or my sister’s, however they are right there to defend each other at a moments notice.
I have personally made decisions that will change the outcome of next year. I have been working on my book and will have it ready to submit to a publisher soon. I hope they like it. Once that is done, then I will start my next book.
I am going to continue painting, and I hope that one day I will get good at it.

Pulling back from Theatre, just a little. I need a break anyway.
Still kicking the idea about starting my own business; we will see if this pans out or not.
I am also thinking about taking some classes again.
Looking back, it has been good.
Looking forward, I hope it will be even better.
I'm jumping on the sled and looking toward the future!! Join me!!

Changing my Outlets

2007-11-01T22:33:00.000-04:00

All of the sudden I get the feeling of depression. I am not sure if it has been building up with me and I am finally noticing it or if it just hit me as I sat here at the computer.

I just feel kinda weird. sorta lost.

Not really wanting to do anything but needing to do everything. Maybe I am feeling overwhelmed.

Did not get the part I wanted in a play I auditioned for. It has been a long time since I have set my foot on stage as someone else and I miss it. I am thinking seriously about giving it up and finding another outlet.
I have been trying to write more and paint, I think I need to concentrate more on writing and painting and not worry about acting..

I need to focus more on one thing than several different things, because I think I have stretched myself to the point of snapping.

I will think on it this weekend...

My Past; My Future

2007-09-18T08:15:00.000-04:00

Flowers of my past.

Spring has gone.

Summer almost gone.

Fall will be here soon.

Winter around the courner.

...

This year has traveled through my life faster than any year that I have known.

So many changes this year.

My daughter is now in College. A big change for her and for me.

It was a long hard journey to get her there but she has made it and she is on her own path, and now my life seems somewhat empty with out her here.

I miss her.

I still have my son with me and he has his journey. But soon, he will be traveling down his own path too, and into his own life leaving all of his child hood behind.

Growing up is hard.

Promises........

2007-08-09T22:21:00.001-04:00

Promises spoken,
Never fulfilled

Words delivered in sweet soft sounds.
Words drawn into the heart and locked in the soul

Believing …….

Hoping...……

Dreams consume the mind
Create fantasies

Words drawn into the heart and locked in the soul
Words delivered in sweet soft sounds.

Never fulfilled
Promises spoken.

Yellow....

2007-07-28T09:25:00.000-04:00

Today is my yellow day.
I am dressed all in yellow from my socks to my pants and shirt; All different shades of yellow, from mustard to light yellow.

Yellow is the color of sunshine. It's associated with joy, happiness, intellect, and energy

Yellow produces a warming effect, arouses cheerfulness, stimulates mental activity, and generates muscle energy.

Yellow evokes pleasant, cheerful feelings

Yellow is an unstable and spontaneous color, so avoid using yellow if you want to suggest stability and safety.

I guess I am not stable today. So Yellow it is!!!

Things from my child hood

2007-06-25T19:22:00.000-04:00

I have noticed that certain smells; sounds; sights and taste, take me back to the memories of my child hood, remembering things that I have long ago forgotten, and in those brief moments, I loose myself.

It is the smell of a wet wooden window sill after a summer rain. This takes me to days when I sat in my room with the window open and I would watch the rain fall on the pine trees around my house and the aroma of the wet wood beneath my elbows would fill the air. I would sit and stare out of the window and day dream.

It is the sound of crickets chirping on hot summer evenings. This brings to mind of nights to hot to sleep in the house and my Dad, pulled our mattresses out on the front porch where we would lay and listen to the night with the Crickets lulling us to sleep.

It is the sight of a dirt road leading the way to town shaded by the trees growing on the hill above. In the autumn, the leaves would fall like snow with the ever present breeze, coloring the road with a multitude of colors like a quilt.

It is the taste of a Sassafras twig pulled directly off the tree to chew on while walking through the woods on a cool spring day listening to the birds sing.

These are my memories from long ago that I share with you. These Memories will soon be tucked away as present day life invades and they will be lost again for a long time until something triggers them to surface once again.

A little better day.....

2007-06-08T21:22:00.000-04:00

To fix the car $400.00
To fix the well $6300.00
My foot mending. $10.00 co-pay

having a glass of wine and surfing the net ... priceless

Well things got worse,......

2007-06-05T21:14:00.000-04:00

The well. Well......... have to have a new one dug.. the guys working on it lost the pump in the well. The pipe broke it was attached to and the well colapsed ..... 3000 to 6000 dollars to fix. Another week without water...
Had to walk to work with my bad foot...... over an hour late..Car died this morning.... .. Its either fuel pump or fuel filter..... hoping for the filter... bet its the pump... any where from 10 to 150.00 to fix.... 1 day to 1 week without a car....

Did not have a good day today.. .... Cried most of it.... Still crying....

Need a bath too....

Never say....

2007-06-03T15:43:00.000-04:00

Things could not get any worse, because once you do, then it does. Are well stopped working. We have been without water for about a week now. We had a guy out to look at it and he pretty much said that it is the pump in the well. What makes it even worse we have to “find” the blasted well out in the yard. It’s not properly marked so we have been a 3 days looking for it.

I think we finally found it, in the most awkward area that you can ever imagine. This pump has been located right underneath the privacy fence. Yep. And this fence is a fence that Rick and I installed about 3 years ago, and one of the fence posts is within inches of the well. Can ya beat that!

So now we have to dig up the area around where the well is at. Hopefully not move a fence post and then call the guy to come and fix it.

Once this thing is fixed then we have to move part of the fence. And I am not going to say, “Things could not get any worse”. Cause as soon as I do, they will.

The Prom Dress. & my Sister's Graduation

2007-05-20T20:18:00.000-04:00

Austin's Prom Dress that I made for her....
She makes me laugh everyday..

She said she had a wonderful time at the prom even though she went without a date.

Austin will be graduating May 30th from high school, and then on to college in the fall.

Time has flown since kindergarden!

This is my Sister Kim, Who just graduated from Wheeling Jesuit.
It has taken my sister 29 years to get this degree. I am very proud of her!!!

tooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-05-10T22:04:00.000-04:00

I have toooooo much going on right now!
I am working on the kitchen (see previous post)

Dealing with the break up and the mend up of my daughter and her boy friend! Any Mother will know that when a child breaks up with their boy/girl friend you suffer too. (the crying; the moodiness; and the depression that everything has ended at that moment.) Well They are "working it out". I just think they need to call it off because the excuses he gave her for the break up were soooooo lame in the first place . Now I mean really "your the right girl at the wrong time" " I need someone who can come and see me " WELL HELLO!! She does not have a car let alone her licence, what did he expect! she lives on one side of Columbus and he on the other! Now it seems that he wants to try again. Stupid. I know I am bitter but he did this 2 weeks before prom and I have been Working on my daughters Prom dress and trying to finish it (Prom is Friday pictures to follow) I just think he is Lame. But HOWEVER even though they are back together and working it out, He is not taking her to Prom, she is going by herself. Enough said. I am just .... well . enough said

I broke my foot ,,, well I have a stress fracture and it hurts like hell!! Sooo I am on pain meds and have my foot wrapped up right now. I cannot walk without pain. The foot doc wants me to get better shoes that costs around 100.00 which I cannot afford. So I not sure what I am going to do about that one. Beg on the streets? sell my body?? wont get much thats for sure.

I may be loosing my Job. Of course I started this Job last September, the signs are there and I can feel it . It is not that I have done anything wrong at this Job, on the contray I think I do a great Job. I have not been told any thing negative about what I do. (but I have not been told anything good either) and it seems that they pile on other work to other people who are over worked but then tell me they have nothing for me to do. GO FIGURE . I believe I am only there until this one person comes back from maternity leave (she had the baby today) and then I am sure that I am out the door. ... So I am looking for another Job right now and I would like to find one before she comes back. You know beat them to the punch. I have talked to a few co-workers and they can sense it too. (someone else was fired today but not sure why yet) I dont think this is a good place to work. should have sensed it when I first started. No-one and I mean NO-ONE had any or very little personal stuff on their desk. Like they are all waiting to walk out the door and never come back. I should have seen it then. So I am looking now.

I mentioned that Prom is Friday so I took a half day off work to get My daughter ready she is still going with friends in a limo. She will have a great time regardless. I also have to leave the same night to go to my moms and then on Saturday see my Sister Graduate from College. Its a big deal in our family. Since she has been about 20 years getting this degree... YAH!! for her !!
I love my sister dearly and this is a major victory for her considering all she has been thru in the last 20+ years.
I am then coming back the same day (2 hour drive) to help with strike at Fidler on the Roof. Not sure how much I will be able to help (hence the foot) but it will be fun anyway.
Sunday I should rest, but I got plants to plant and a pond to clean out.
Yeah too much,
I will most likely dream of tornados tonight................

Destruction .....

2007-04-16T21:25:00.000-04:00

Of my Kitchen. We are at the start of a beautiful kitchen. This is the destruction part

Hopefully one of these days soon, I will be able to show the finished product.

Did not notice -- I am alone

2007-04-01T14:07:00.000-04:00

I did not notice you had gone
-----------I am alone with overwhelming thoughts of sadness
I did not notice that you did not say good bye
----------I am alone with silence from your unspoken thoughts
I did not notice your expression of remorse
---------I am alone with only the memory of you leaving
I did not notice
--------I am alone

Changes

2007-03-20T20:28:00.000-04:00

I need a change. Something different; something exciting; something that makes people say wow! Look at her!
Not sure if I need a look change, or a personality change. Or maybe I don’t need that at all. Maybe I just want it.
Do I think I am boring?? Yeah.
Do I think I am ugly?? Yeah.
Do I preserve myself in a negative manner? Depends.
Sometimes I like myself and who I have become, other times I don’t.
I guess this must be the time that I don’t like myself.
I am not where I think I should be, I don’t look the way I want to look. I am not doing what I think I need to be doing, and I feel stuck.
Maybe it’s a mid-life thing. They say men go through it, but I know women go through it too. Oh, we don’t go out and buy an expensive sports car, or trade in the spouse for a twenty year old. No, I think women are more subtle than that.
Oh I am sure there are women, who do trade in the spouse, but not all. Some of us just re-evaluate where we are in life, set new goals and strive to get to those goals…..
Or we get a new hair style…….. That’s it! I will start there.

Precious Time

2007-03-07T13:43:00.000-05:00

Life Holds precious time. Once that time has past, Death occurs.

My Grandmother, was true to herself, and lived life raising a family on her own. She worked hard putting food on the table and clothes on the backs of her four children.
She was a strong woman and did not let anyone run her over. She lived her life with Dignity and grace.
Her life was one of many that has passed on the same day.
She will be always be remembered by me and anyone else who knew her, as a great and wonderful person who did everything for the sake of her family.

http://www.timeswv.com/obituaries/local_story_062184408.html

_________
.
.
.

Dealing with Life; and the insurance company

2007-02-24T10:35:00.000-05:00

As the insurance company always states "Life comes at you fast". That is an understatement. When life happens, it is at a split second that a decision has to be made as what to do and where to turn.

I wrecked my car. About 2 weeks ago, someone made the decision to pull right out in front of me and stop. She actually stops, in the middle of the road. In a split second, I had to make a decision to hit my breaks, swerve, and try to get around her. I did not make it. In that split second I saw the front end of my car crumple into her back driver’s side door. In that split second, I could see her face, frozen in a state of shock. In that split second my life changed.

No-one was hurt, thank god.

The police came and a report was filed.

She was sited for failure to yield, Driving without a license, (she had a learners permit), and driving without a licensed driver in the car. The car she was driving had temporary tags on it, but, she did have insurance.

My car would not start nor would I been able to move it anyway since the fender was pasted to the tire. A tow truck was called and the car was towed to the nearest garage.

Because of “her” decision to drive that day without a licensed driver, and “her” decision to stop in the middle of the road, I am without a car.

Her insurance company totaled the car, and settled with me, with a check for $3500.00. Now I have to find a car for that amount. I have been looking this week, and I can tell you there is not much out there for that amount of money.

Because of “her” decision, I am forced to make decisions that I am not prepared to do at this time.

Because of “her” decision, my life changed. It may not be that drastic, but it has changed.

Even though “her” decision was her choice, it caused a chain reaction of events that will forever change the lives of other people.

“Life comes at you fast”… yeah, that’s an understatement.

Jealousy

2007-01-27T22:22:00.000-05:00

Jealousy stems from ones lack of understanding of ones inability to accomplish what they wish they could have or should have done.
It comes from the inner most boughs of your subconscious letting you feel the heart break of defeat, the pain of never getting there first; the feeling of failure.
So we dig on that person, cut them down, trying to justify out true feelings.
Why? Because they accomplished something that we only dreamed about; they, are the writers, the singers, the models, and we cut them down. They are accomplishing their goals and yet we are still sitting….Sitting and waiting.
For what?

"Born Only Yesterday"

2007-01-23T21:22:00.000-05:00

I wanted to share this little story I wrote when Austin, my daughter was in second grade, now she is a senior and will be graduating! Life Move's soooo fast!!!

I titled this; “Born Only Yesterday”

“I love you! Have a good day!” “I love you too Mom! See ya later!” She shouts at me as she bounces from the car, her bright eyes shinning; her two front teeth to wide for her mouth beaming back at me. She turns and bolts up the sidewalk meeting a couple of classmates along the way. I sigh as I watch her long hair swish against her pink jacket; her book bag, dragging the ground as she moves to the door and disappears into school.
She’s in the second grade now and in a few short weeks she’ll graduate and ready for third grade.
But she was born only yesterday!
Yesterday, the doctor announced “It’s a girl!” as he laid her into my arms. All the pain from before, shifted to joy as I gazed at my little girl. I carried her for what seemed forever and now I hold her for the first time; her dark gray eyes observing me as well. She has 10 toes and fingers a perfect little baby. My life changed, and I pondered, what will she be like? Like me? Like her Dad? Or a combination of both? Will she be tall will she have hair!? I hope, she has none now. Will she grow up strong? Will I raise her right? Can I even take good care of her and give her what she needs?
When was her first step? What was her first word? She’s out of diapers now and moving fast; growing; talking; laughing; crying; playing; learning; working; thinking; living; growing-growing. She is in the second grade – onto third. Soon she’ll be in high school, discovering boys; learning about herself, who she is and what she wants to be.
Graduating, then hopefully college, working hard for a degree; graduating again and out into a good and promising career.
Finding her a spouse; getting married and having her first baby; I’m a Grand Mother now, watching my Grand Child grow… into a happy life.
I stare at the empty sidewalk. School has begun. Time has flown so fast, she’s grown so much in such a short time! I’m not sure where time has gone! Time is so quick I can’t slow her down! I need more time with her! Does she know I love her and I want her to be completely happy and have self worth!
I need her to need me. Will she always need me? To help her walk; to talk; stand on her own! Yes, she still needs me, but she’s growing up too fast!
I stare at the empty side walk with my memories; my thoughts fade into reality when I hear…
“Mommy lets go home and Play!”
My son, his big brown eyes gazing at me “Let’s go Mommy!”
I sigh, Shift the car into gear, he’s three, and he was born only this morning……...

New Year Resolutions

2007-01-04T21:02:00.000-05:00

Ok… I guess I should make some…. Hopefully I can get through half of them before next year……………..

Hear it goes.

1. Become more organized. BIG One on my plate! I have started with the Christmas decorations, by going thru it all and getting rid of stuff and re-packing It all up to fit in one spot in my basement so I can find it next year without Searching thru all of my stuff. (However, I have now found a few items that have missed the storage boxes..... I have also hit the after-Christmas ales…)

2. Loose weight. ANOTHER BIG item to accomplish…. (Sitting here eating Chocolate Kisses that I found at a 75% off Christmas sale isn’t really helping this cause, but the bags of Kisses were only .79 cents!!..{I bought 6 bags}… Justified…… Sale candy does not count toward the diet so I am OK)

3. Cut back on spending….. After the After-Christmas sales are depleted……

4. Exercise my Body…. I have a bike that I bought last year and rode a few times. I am going to try to ride it more this year… weather permitting….. Time permitting…. Body permitting

5. Exercise my Mind…. Ok… I have a mind …. Somewhere….

6. Finish writing my book…. This one I do want to get done this year. I have been writing this book for over 5 years now and I NEED TO FINISH IT!! I hope I can.. IT would feel FABULOUS! And if I can get it published!!

7. Be a Friend…… Keep in contact with old friends…… Make new friends……

8. Don’t get thrown in Jail… OK.. I don’t think I will have to worry about this one too much… However, I do know a couple of Lawyers…. Just in case….

9. Finish projects that I have started….. I have a lot of projects ….. One of them being #1 listed above……#6 above……

10. Take myself out of control …… Imagine…. Play….. Let go….. Fly…..

These are my resolutions for the year…What are you resolving to do???

Christmas Eve

2006-12-24T20:20:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas Eve, the stores are closed and the malls are empty.
The last last stragglers of Christmas panic are now hitting the gas stations looking for that "special gift" for that special someone.
Nothing says Christmas like a motor oil and wiper blades.

My wish to all of you out there......
A very special Christmas
Wrapped in Joy and Wonder

Reminiscing and Memories

2006-11-28T21:29:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving has gone and past and Christmas is around the corner. This was one of my better Thanksgivings since my Dad passed away. I miss him. He has been gone for about 5 years and I still miss him. Even though we fought and butted heads over most things, and in my early years he drank and was drunk for most holidays, well most of the time he was drunk, and I still miss him.
I don’t think I ever really hated my Dad although I hated the way he was, that he was always drunk, and mean. He was drunk at work (I worked with him too) and at home too. He tried to control us kids, and every aspect of our lives, and I rebelled at every turn.
But he is gone and those sad memories are in the past. Dad was sober for the about the last 20 years of his life and tried to make the most of what he lost.
I didn’t have the happy childhood that I would have liked to have had, but I do have the understanding not to make the same mistakes that he did, and I hope my kids are having a good time growing up.
As I said before, this was a good Thanksgiving. I went to my old home town Mannington W.Va. and got to see my Grandmother, who will be 99 next March. I got to tour my old Grade school that I attended up until the 8th grade. I spent time with my mom and my aunt, also with my sisters and brother.
We talked and laughed about memories, and reminisced about the past. We don’t hold onto grudges and we don’t harp on any ill feelings.
We are a family, although dysfunctional, we are a family just the same.

Hard to read.......

2006-11-14T18:45:00.000-05:00

People.

I have noticed that some people are not that hard to read. You know exactly what they are thinking before they open their mouths and you have a keen sense who they are.

I have also noticed that others send mixed signals that leads you, then all of the sudden, the plot changes and you are in a totally different chapter of that person. Almost like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide.

And others cannot be read at all. They are not allowing anyone to get close enough to get into their world, or, if they do, they don’t allow you to stay long enough to get to know them. I would not say they are closed off, or stuck on themselves. Maybe they are just shy and are afraid of what people may think of them. Maybe they are hiding from their insecurities.

I am not sure where I fall into these observations.

Understanding Me

2006-11-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

Part of me is trying to understand the reasoning behind my fantasies.
Part of me does not want me to understand, why I think the way I do.
I don’t understand me.
If I tried to analyze my inner most thoughts, would I go insane?
Or should I just fantasize.

The Inconvenience of Convenience.

2006-10-07T12:36:00.000-04:00

You don’t realize how convenient things are to your every day lives until they become inconvenient for use.

My car battery is dead. That in itself throws my life into a virtual tail spin. The most convenient tool that has ever been invented is now a "can" with seats and wheels sitting in the driveway with life support attached to it. I am now stuck waiting to see if the car will live, so I can go to the store to buy more convenient things to make our lives better.
Or do they?? We are so dependant on convenience, that when those convenient things we buy, becomes inconvenient for use we are at a panic!

We don’t know how to function without electricity (another very important convenience). When the electric goes out, everything stops. The refrigerator; the TV; the washer & dryer, the furnace and the Coffee pot!! Our lives depend on that jolt of energy that we purchase month to month to make our lives easier.

The car dies, you are trapped in your house and you cannot go anywhere unless you walk, or ride a bike, which takes time and energy that we, who were born into the life of convenience, are to stubborn to depart with. So we sit and wait.

The simple life is missing. A life where cars are not needed; computers are not used; electricity is non-existent; and energy is spent from our own bodies and not from a flick of a switch. Where you plant a garden in the spring and grow your own food; have a family of farm animals to nurture through out the year, and in the fall they nurture you. And where you spend long winter evenings in front of a wood burning fire; playing a simple game of checkers; talking with loved ones, and falling asleep at a decent hour.

We depend too much on the conveniences that have been provided to us, that we loose ourselves in hustle and bustle of our busy lives, that when our “conveniences” have been taken away, we are lost.
Can we survive?

Personal Observations and Thoughts.....

2006-09-25T19:37:00.000-04:00

Computers are not real, they are inanimate objects.
They don’t talk back, (unless you hit the wrong key)
They don’t get angry if you yell at them.
They don’t require attention.
They don’t need any encouragement to grow.
They don’t care if you neglect them.
They don’t care how much you take from them,
And they don’t care if you give nothing back.

People are real, they are intimate human beings.
They talk back, (especially if you hit the wrong key)
They get angry if you yell at them
They require attention
They need encouragement to grow
They care if you neglect them.
They care how much you take from them,
“Especially” if you give nothing back.

Tornadoes, and Me

2006-09-01T21:51:00.000-04:00

This past Monday evening, the skies darkened, and the sirens rang through out the neighborhood. Our weather alert radio was sounding out its warnings to take shelter; to go to the basement and to stay away from any windows. A tornado was sighted not more than 5 to 7 miles from where I live. So where do you think I was?? Standing outside, with my sister, looking for this tornado!! Not the smartest thing to do, I know…. But that is where we were, searching the skies, trying to find any sign of this tornado, to catch a glimpse of its swirling cloud.
How ominous it felt outside! No breeze at all stirring the trees, stillness. Not a sound from the birds; nor the cicadas, so deathly quiet. The air, heavy in your lungs, tight around your body, your heart pounding, and about every 10 minutes the warning sirens would sound its eerie wail, and we stood there in the drive way waiting, listening, watching.
The tornado never showed. Soon you could hear in the distance the cicadas, then the birds, the air loosened its grip as a slight wind blew through the trees. It was over.
Disappointed, and relieved at the same time. I don’t know why, I am scared to death of thunder storms, but tornadoes fascinate me.

Believing

2006-08-26T23:42:00.000-04:00

I follow thee into the mist.
Leaving behind the cold.
Believing.
Soaring thru the shadows old.
Breaking the ropes that have bound.
Believing.
Not hearing a sound.
Thru the mist I see.
Believing.
Looking for thee.
Searching for others who have gone before.
Believing.
No one hears, I don’t cry anymore.
I am with thee.
Believing.

Laughter is my Love

2006-08-20T22:01:00.000-04:00

I love to laugh. And anyone who makes me laugh, I love. The laugh I have is not one of those little laughs. My Laugh is loud and hearty. It leaves no room of doubt that I loved what I just witnessed or heard. People seem to be able to pull me into their world of comedy and I am thoroughly entertained, no matter where I am at or what the subject is. If it is funny, I love it.
I have a great group of friends, (thespians) that love to entertain, and anything they do, whether it is on stage, or at a party (like the one I attended last night), they do it with such ease, and grace. They know how to live.
I want to thank my friends for being my friends. For entertaining me and others with your wit, your hilarious side splitting antics. For allowing me to laugh my hearty laugh, and giving me some of my most cherished memories. I love you all.

Lost in my Head

2006-08-11T21:03:00.000-04:00

Thoughts jammed in.
Ideas pouring through.
Can't seem to find the way.
Lost in a sea of memories.

Pre Conceived Notions.

2006-08-03T21:02:00.000-04:00

Do not judge a person on what you see on the outside.
Always look deep into the soul and see the richness that lies inside.
Get to know them.
Do not pass them by because they don’t quite fit into your “Ideal World”
Do not shun them because they are different from you.
Do not put them down, because they do not think as you.
Get to know them.
Look out of your “Ideal World”….and Grow.

Birthdays

2006-07-18T20:44:00.000-04:00

Birthdays.
I guess we all have them and mine is coming up in a couple of days. This is a time that I reflect on my past, from where I came from, to where I am going now. And I wonder, if during the times where I had to make decisions in my life, where I had to choose which way to go. If, I had chosen a different path, a different road……… Where would I have ended up at today?

Midnight Swims

2006-07-17T22:10:00.000-04:00

The botl awards. This is an award ceremony much like the Tony’s or the Oscars in Hollywood. It is for a community theatre that I belong to. It was a very entertaining night, some people won awards that I expected to win, others won that I did not expect to win. All in all it was nice, except that it was sooo hot in the theatre! The air conditioner was on, but because it has been in the 90's yesterday, and the air conditioner was working at full tilt but was not producing any results. When I left last night at 11:30pm I was hot and sticky from sweating most of the night. I went home and stripped in my living room and jumped into our pool.
No one was around and it was dark (which is a good thing because I did not want to scare anyone (sorry folks not a body worth looking at)).
I floated around the warm water watching the stars above. I felt like I was in a state of peacefulness with in myself. It just seemed so freeing to be floating nude, as if I was back in the womb of my mom. Nothing binding me, nothing holding me, just free. By myself, in the dark, with the stars.

Running away from everything

2006-07-11T17:52:00.000-04:00

There are days and even weeks that I feel like that I need to run away from home and not come back. This is what I feel like right now. Everything seems not to be going the way that it should.
Everything seems to be breaking at once, and no money to fix them. Items that have broke in the last 6 months; The refrigerator; The coffee pot; The clothes Dryer; Two TV's; The septic Tank; The pool filtration system; If one more thing breaks in this house I will have to scream!

Job hunting is not going well. I have posted my resume on monster again and applied for a position thru there, and well of course I have not heard from them as of yet, but I have gotten a call from a company that no one in their right mind should work for, and an e-mail from another company that I have never heard of. I have also sent my resume into several positions offered a OSU but have not heard from them either (was told they can be slow).

Kids are wanting money to do what ever (of course everyone has this who has kids)
Present Job is driving me nuts

I want to run away. Just leave and not return. Go someplace where I can forget all of this.
I want to go someplace where I can have fun or relax or not do anything at all.
Somepeople would say "Take a vacation" but you have to return from a vacation. I dont want to return. I just want to go.
My luck my car would break down on the way.

Procrastination

2006-07-09T21:21:00.000-04:00

Procrastinate - To put off doing something (that is not pleasant to do), until some future time; to post pone habitually.
Procrastination and Procrastinator

This is the short definition of this word that is listed in the Webster's New World Dictionary.
This seems to be also the word that describes our house hold right now. Everyone is putting off stuff that needs to be done today, until a later date.
My son has been putting off doing the dishes until they are so piled high that he needs help in doing them... Well tonight he is doing them but not without a huge fight. He can think of almost anything just not to do these dishes, from that he is tired to he is hungry or he will do something to hurt himself, thinking that will get him out of doing the dishes. Well tonight he had the floor wet, so he slips and falls on the floor and starts to cry that he can’t get up. I told him that even if he breaks his leg tonight, he will finish the dishes first, and then I will take him to the hospital.
My Daughter does not like to do any house work. I had asked her tonight to pick up the living room (only papers and stuff lying out of place). A job that will take her all but 5 minutes to do, Only 5 minutes!... We spent the next 10 minutes arguing over the fact that she did not have time and she needed to paint.
My husband puts things off around the house that needs fixing or just some routine maintenance; to the point that it is now broken beyond repair or it is a major repair. This runs into a lot of money which if fixed or maintenance in the first place...... We are constantly bickering over what needs fixed first.
Me, I have been putting off looking for and registering for scholarships for my daughter, I have put off folding laundry until I have 6 baskets sitting around that needs folded, I put off cleaning out the car, and cleaning out my closets (both now resemble one an other), I have got to plant my plants, weed my garden, and clean my house..... It never seems to end..... I am the ultimate Procrastinator, and I wear this label well. I am not sure why I do this, these are things that need done. They are the unpleasant things in life, the routine things that once done..... You just have to do them again later... So why do they now when you have to do them later anyway?
Tonight I put Procrastinate on the back burner if only for the moment.
To let you know...
The dishes are done
The living room is picked up
Things are getting fixed around the house (but we still bicker over which is first)
And I got my laundry folded, the garden weeded, plants planted...
Cars and closets are not cleaned, scholarships still in need of being searched for.
I guess I will do that tomorrow,”After all, tomorrow is another day"

Babies.....

2006-07-02T21:33:00.000-04:00

Today at church, I held my friends new born baby boy, and in so by doing this has put me in the mood........ I need another baby...... This will never happen, because I am well over 40, and also the means have been tied if you know what I mean. However the urge is still there.
But I love babies. I especially love the ones that are only a few weeks old. They are so pure, so innocent. They fit in the curve of your arm so perfectly... and they sleep so peacefully. And when the curl up when they are in the midst of stretching, that is my favorite.
I sat and held this beautiful baby all through the church, and fed him and burped him as well.
He is a sweet baby. One that I wish I could once again have. But it’s only an urge. Which for most women, the urge never goes away.
At the end of church, he started to get a little restless (most likely needed changed) and fussy. I, at that point was more than happy to give him back to his mom so she could change him. That, my friends is an instant (and temporary) cure for me of wanting a new baby (until the next one comes along).

Hey! What are you looking at!!

2006-06-30T22:56:00.000-04:00

One of the cutest bears I seen at the Zoo! Love his expression! Makes me wonder what he was thinking about....

What do you think?

I wonder.....

2006-05-26T11:50:00.000-04:00

If any one has any Idea where they are going in life.
I am heading in one direction, then I am turned around and heading in another direction.
Then while traveling in that direction, I am pulled down another path that leads me to a fork.
At that fork, I have to decide which way to go.
Do I choose left, or right, or just stay where I am at and not move.
I have to move, or life passes by and leaves me in the dust.
So I have to choose.
Which ever path I go, life goes with me.

Selfish

2006-05-24T22:26:00.000-04:00

Do not like it when people are selfish.
It bothers me that one person can only think of only themselves, and feel that they cannot help anyone else because it “interferes” in their life or what they are doing, even if they are only sitting in a chair watching TV, or just laying down in the middle of the afternoon.
I know that sometimes people have a lot on their plate and they can’t be there to help someone out, or even just to listen to the person because they need someone to talk to. I can understand that. People are busy.
But when the only thing you have planned is to lie down, or to catch a show on TV, and you cannot take the time to help someone find something, or even talk to them for a little while, then I have a problem with that.
I know that I am not perfect and I am guilty of doing the same thing on occasion, and I am not proud of that fact either. So I try to do better as a person and I hope that I do.
I treasure my friendships that I have, and so I take the time not to be selfish and to listen to someone that may need my ear. I will help someone find what they lost because what they lost is dearer to them than a TV Program
Sleep, I can do later.
I have a lot on my plate right now, but I will take the time to be a friend and not the time to be selfish.

Mother's Day

2006-05-13T21:38:00.000-04:00

Mother’s day is tomorrow and I have sent my mom a card like most people do. It was not a funny one like I normally send, but more of a sentimental one. Not the sappy sick dripping with sugar one’s but one that is more general but still has a sentiment about it.
I don’t know why I did not send a funny one. I found this one and thought it was nice I guess, and figured she would like it.
So I bought it and mailed it with my “I love you” hand written inside. The funny thing is that I will never see those words written from her to me. Never hear those words said from her to me. My mom, for some reasons only known to her, or maybe she does not know, cannot seem to say those words.
Those three little words “I Love You” are the hardest words for anyone to say to the ones we care so much about, and I wonder…… Why?
It’s not because we have no one to love, most of us do. Some of us have a significant other that we care for; some have friends or relatives that are held with deep affection within our hearts. We show these people everyday that we love them, by our actions. It may be a small thing, like doing the dishes or mowing the grass, so the other does not have to do it; or bringing you a cup of coffee without having to ask for one.
But those words are hard. Most people cannot bring themselves to say them. They can do a million things that show the same thing but they cannot say the only words that most of us yearn to hear. It’s a validation that we all need. We all need to hear those words.
I know my mom loves me and she has tried so many times to say those words. When I tell her that I love her, she will smile and say “Okay”, and every once in a while she will mumble something back to me that sounds like it. It’s very hard for her.
I have come to accept the fact that I may never hear those words clearly coming from her. But that is okay. I will say them her “I Love You Mom!”

Mystery Behind Us.

2006-04-30T21:52:00.000-04:00

Everyone reads everyone differently, and no one understands everyone fully. There is always an element of mystery surrounding all people, even those who think they have nothing to hide. But they do.
Everyone hides something.

Everyone has a hidden meaning of what they are about, and they do not let their guard down to show it, not even to their most intimate partner. It may only be one little thought that keeps you out of reach.

Its funny how you think you may know someone or you may read someone one way, and come to find out that they are not as you thought.

It’s the Mystery Behind Us.

Prom

2006-04-23T22:32:00.000-04:00

Today I cut out my daughter's prom dress, and it has made me feel that time has past so fast. I cannot believe that she will be going to a prom this year. It seems that she was born only yesterday. She was laid in my arms, this beautiful little girl 16 1/2 years ago. This child, whom I was afraid of, afraid that I could not take care of her and teach her what she needed in life to survive,. Afraid that she would not grow up to be confident in what she does, Afraid that she would not understand why I don't let her do some things that she feels the need to do. Afraid she would hate me for any punishment that I may have to give her. Afraid of all the outside pressures she would face as a teenager, and her not being able to resist those pressures.
But she has proven to me time and time again that she is smart and confident in all that she does. And she understands that I have to sometimes set limits. She understands when she does something wrong, that punishment is something that she has to take, and she does not stop loving me because of it. And she knows that she has a choice not to give in to those outside pressures, and let others steer her the wrong way.
She amazes me in everything she tries to do, and shows me everyday that she is growing up into a beautiful person. Someone who loves life and is not afraid to face what ever comes her way.
I am grateful that I have the chance to raise her.
I love her so much!

My Mind

2006-04-13T22:09:00.000-04:00

My Mind

Such a thing that is my mind.
It does not leave me with much thought.
Most of the time it is un-kind.
With battles old that has already been fought.

Shadows of the past lurk in everywhere.
Bringing forth memories best left alone.
None that I am able to release and share.
With all who pass me, never are they shown.

Friends that know me, don’t.
Strangers, who see me, do.
Family, who fear me, won’t.
People who are me, true.

My Mind

2006-04-04T21:53:00.000-04:00

My mind went racing through my thoughts and crashed into a sea of confusion, and I am drowning.
How is it that one can be excited; confused; happy; sad and scared at the same time, and still be able to function normally. Or am I?

2006-04-03T22:36:00.000-04:00

Well, its 10pm at night, and I got home about 20 minutes ago. Everyone is in bed. That is where I should be, but I am not. I am up, thinking stupid thoughts and having random brain power outages.
Stupid thought #1. How far is too far?
Stupid thought #2. What makes me think?
Stupid thought #3. Why can't I read signals?

Power outage #1. Nothing connects the brain to the mouth, and sometimes I say things that don't make sense, & I just ramble on and on. This is why I have trouble reading signals and don't know how far to take things, which makes me think random thoughts os stupidness. And I wonder why people look at me funny.

Stupid thought #4. Fantasy -vs- Reality
Stupid thought #5. Reality -vs- Fantasy

Power outage #2. When do you cross the line? Where is the line? How many lines are there? Is it broken or solid?
Do other people have the same line? Or do they have no lines and are on the verge of living in a world of their own creation.
I often wondered, that once you cross that line from reality to fantasy, can you return without any residual fall out? I think not.

Attraction

2006-03-29T09:53:00.000-05:00

Attraction. What attracts a man to a woman? What attracts a woman to a man? These are questions that have often pondered in my head, especially when I run across a man that I find very appealing and that attracts me. That is what I always ask, what about this person do I find alluring to me? And each one is different, some men it is the way they look. Others it is their personality. And there are even some, it is the way they smell (not stink mind you) but certain men to have a nice aroma about them either their cologne or after shave they use, or maybe they have not used anything and it is their body chemistry. Sometimes it is also the way they look at you and you are left wondering, are they attracted to you? Or are they having a senior moment and they have lost all thoughts in reality.Men are hard to read sometimes. Some of them they hide their feelings all to well but when they think no one is paying attention to them, then they let their guard slip and you can catch that fleeting thought they are feeling at that moment. Others have thoughts that you can see in the way the look at you and you know just what they are thinking. And still others are so blatantly obvious that you get the feeling that all they want to do is jump your bones. As I do not think that I am attractive enough for any man to feel any sort of an attraction with just looking at me. I think that my personality does seem to attract some attention in this manner. (At least I hope) It makes one feel that they are at least not a total dog.

Insecurities

2006-03-23T11:53:00.000-05:00

We all have our own insecurities, Our own acceptance level of our selves, and how we precieve ourselves in the minds of others. If we fit or not in a certain group of friends or do we feel an outsider amoung our most intimate friends. Its funny how we think and feel about things.
Sometimes I can go through the day and not care where I am at, or what I may say, until it is already spoken and out in the open for all to critique. Then I worry about what people may think of me, which puts me on the outside of most things.
Then I get over it and move on.
It does not matter what other people think of me, it is how I think of myself that matters.

2006-03-17T18:05:00.000-05:00

My first Blogg. Trying it out and seeing how it fits. Kinda interesting that people will write on these things their most intimate thoughts, or their fears, or just ramble on about nothing. Just so people can come in and take a peak at what that person may be like. Thousands upon thousands of people can look at this, or no-one at all will look and read what I have wrote. Almost like that old saying "If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to here it , does it make a sound?"
What sound am I making?