Have not been here for a while...  Kinda interesting that people will write on these things their most intimate thoughts, or their fears, or just ramble on about nothing. Just so people can come in and take a peak at what that person may be like. Thousands upon thousands of people can look at this, or no-one at all will look and read what I have wrote. Almost like that old saying "If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to here it , does it make a sound?"

What sound am I making?

 

Hi

It has been a while, since I have been here.  I did not abandon you, my writings.  I have been searching for a while for me.  Not sure If I found me, but its about time that I started writing again.  

I have been working on downsizing my life.  I am now 61, and going to have to move soon.  The house is to big for just me. Although I love this place, I cannot maintain everything here. So I have been going through stuff.  My life, in a box. Discarding stuff I don't need any longer; Discarding projects half started that I no longer desire to finish; Discarding future projects that will never get started; Discarding part of my soul.  Downsizing is hard. 

Things that I have gotten rid of.

Large Christmas tree.  I have three smaller ones that I can use, but I kept all the ornaments, and most of the lights.  

Halloween decorations. Did keep the spooky sound track 

Lamps. Planned on restoring these, but had way too many so they had to go. 

Dolls. Planned on restoring, and have some of them, but got rid of the younger ones. Kept the ones that were more from my childhood, and still plan on restoring.

Furniture. cause I cant take it all with me, from an 1800 square foot home, to a 1200 square foot or smaller home. Just ain't gonna fit. Still have a lot more to get rid of. 

Downsizing is hard...Very Hard... I kept more than I have gotten rid of, but I need to get rid of more.  

Things I want to keep 

Photographs (family and such)  Gotta keep those 

Photography, such as my camera and all of its accessories. (I did get rid of the GoPro I had since I wasn't using it )

Painting supplies, I have a lot. 

Sewing supplies, and I have a lot of this as well.  I did get rid of about half the patterns that I had, and about 1/4 of the material as well, but I still have More than what I will ever need or use.   I also have three sewing machines 

Craft items, that range from beading supplies, cording, ribbon, bells, and everything imaginable.  Also have Music boxes that I was wanting to repair. 

There is a lot more in this house that I have not mentioned, but figured the list will take me more than an hour or so to list, and you would get bored, if you are not already. 

Hopefully I can find someplace that will suit my needs, and hold all my stuff.  WAY too much stuff.  So back to downsizing....

me

It is not that I have not anything to say, it is just that all that I have to say to me does not seem worthing of talking about. However I seem to be getting better, hopefully I will writing soon...

writing again

Well after a long hard winter, its time I started writing again. So look out here I come!!!

State of Recovery

I had Surgery back on Sept 1st, and have been taking it easy, since I have at least 4 weeks off of work.

I won’t go into details of the surgery, except for the worst part for me, which is being put under anesthesia, or put to sleep as some people say.

I loose time. Meaning, when I go under, everything is blank; and when I am woken up, it feels as if I was only out for an instant, but in reality I have been out for 4 hours. I do not have a sense of time passing. . I remember nothing and I do not dream during that time.
In my mind, I have lost 4 hours in time that I cannot account for. I know that sounds weird but this is how I feel.

It is not the same thing when you are sleeping. When sleeping, most people dream, or have a sense of time passing as they sleep. You know you have slept for 4, 6, or even 8 hours, by either dreaming, coming in and out of conscience during the night, or other small indications that lends it self to the night. You wake up rested and mostly ready for the day (minus the jolt of caffeine).

Coming out of anesthesia, someone calls your name; you don’t recognize the voice; you hear strange noises and other voices that you don’t recognize; and you are in a different room from where you started. A dense fog comes over you and you blank again for a few moments, until you hear the voices again, and you are moving to a different room.
It takes a long time before you are coherently aware of what is going on around you.

I feel very vulnerable... I hate loosing time…

pain...

Pain reaches my heart every day I am not close to you.
I try not to remember, but I do, and it hurts
Do you not see?
Do you not care?
You confuse me, again and again…..
I cannot dwell on you any longer.
Until you decide….maybe you have….

?...?

Have you seen my face?
You have seen my eyes

You smile, and I smile
Have you seen my heart?

Why do you not hear me?
I listen to you

I am alone
Why can’t you stay?

I can not breathe when you are near
Where are you?

Do I cry for you?
…... yes ......