Mother’s Worst Nightmare

There are times when being a mother is a joy and it gives you all the wealth you could ever imagine.
There are times when being a mother, pulls every emotion out of your body leaving you with no energy to deal with everyday life.
Austin, my daughter broke her finger today at college; ended up in the emergency room and now has a splint on it.
Now I know what you are saying… Not a big deal! It’s only a finger! It’s not like she broke her neck or got run over by a speeding semi!
No it is not like that…but you still go through the same emotions.
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In my mind as I was going to the hospital was “It’s only a finger… not like she cut her hand off” but I was also thinking at the same time “she could have cut her hand off, or she could have got hit by a semi” It could have been much worse than what it was. I was grateful that it was only a finger.
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My emotions seem to always run a muck through my mind thinking up different scenarios of what could happen to my kids and how to deal with it; trying to make me feel more prepared to handle any crisis that may come along. However, when it comes right down to it, there is not a way to make you more “prepared”. You have to have faith that your kids will make it through life unscathed, and if they don't, pray that you have the the ability to handle it

I know that I cannot always protect her while she is away from school and I have to trust her own instincts when it comes to decisions on what she does through life, but it scares me.
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Its all part of growing up, and not just her, but me as well.

DEPRESSION

Friday was my day for depression. It started sometime in the morning and got progressively worse through out the day. I am not sure why or what brings on days like this but I have them every once in a while.

I get the feeling of over whelming helplessness and or sadness, where I don’t think I can do anything or feel any other emotion except loneness. I cannot handle being with anyone I know, and I don’t want to be alone either.
So I will wonder in stores or malls for hours. with people milling around, I am not alone; but I am.
This past Friday I wondered in and out of stores for about three hours. Did not really buy anything, nor did I really look at anything. I just wandered about.

Saturday I was fine. I worked on my book; did laundry; took Austin driving. I kept busy most of the day. So I am better now for the most part.

I just would like to figure out why I get depressed like that. It does not happen often, maybe once or twice every six months or so, and then it goes away. Hormonal? Maybe, but I don’t think so.

I don’t take any medication for it which is a good thing, and I don’t think I need to since I only have bouts of it every once in a while. I just want to know why

I am not too old to...

.....Laugh and Play
.......................Run in open fields
.....Lay in the sun’s ray
.......................Sing when the mood yields
.....Watch the stars in awe
.......................Dance in the falling rain
…..Watch the ants crawl
.......................Fly a paper airplane
…..Roll down a grassy hill
.......................Swing up high
.....Dream by my window sill
.......................Cry