Random thoughts today

Christmas is Seven days away!!

Don’t panic it will be ok

Snow falling softly
Winter lights

Count the many blessings you have
Spread your joy through out the year
Befriend a neighbor
Laugh

How quiet, how peaceful, at night, just before dawn I walk along the beach hearing the rushing sound of the ocean.

More than ever, I miss me
I am lost within myself
Looking for where I am at.
Where I am going
Where I have been

Still searching

Blending in with the surroundings and not standing out in the crowd
Making choices, good or bad but choices just the same

Learn to see; learn to listen
Give your opinion then shut up and don’t dwell on the subject

Am I strong or am I weak
I have callous on my feet

Do I walk upon your heart
Ignore you from the start

Then warm to your existence
And watch you run in resistance

I walk away and ignore you once more

Scream

Christmas once again......

Once again we dig out the decorations that had been packed away in the basement or attic since last year. Ahhhhhh, the musty smell of Christmas lingers though out the house as we try to put up the artificial tree without the directions once again.
Christmas is a time for reflection for me, to look back on the past years events that have happened to me and others around me.
A lot has happened this past year that saddens me; I have had two deaths in my family which are people that I will miss deeply.
My Grandmother, who died in earlier in the year; she was 98 and had led a very full and eventful life. She was asked one time when she turned around 93, why she has lived so long. Her reply was, “I need to raise my boys”. She was referring to my Dad, and his two brothers, who I know put quite a few gray hairs on her head.
Also, we lost my Brother in-law on November 25th. He leaves behind a legacy of wit and laughter that will be missed by everyone in this family.
I have friends that are going in different directions, one is talking about moving to Boston and another has joined the Peace Corp and will be leaving soon on his adventure. I pray for both their safety and wish them the best in their endeavors.
A lot has made me happy this past year; my daughter doing well in college, my son “finally” doing well in school.
I still have a roof over my head, despite the rising cost of living and the non-rising paycheck.
I am close to my younger sister and becoming closer {I hope} to my older sister.
I have a brother who I have always adored, and his beautiful daughter that he has raised on his own since she was 4. She will soon be 16; boy that time has flown!
I still have my mom and my aunt who live together. They are sooo funny! They will complain about each other in private to either me or my sister’s, however they are right there to defend each other at a moments notice.
I have personally made decisions that will change the outcome of next year. I have been working on my book and will have it ready to submit to a publisher soon. I hope they like it. Once that is done, then I will start my next book.
I am going to continue painting, and I hope that one day I will get good at it.

Pulling back from Theatre, just a little. I need a break anyway.
Still kicking the idea about starting my own business; we will see if this pans out or not.
I am also thinking about taking some classes again.
Looking back, it has been good.
Looking forward, I hope it will be even better.
I'm jumping on the sled and looking toward the future!! Join me!!

Changing my Outlets

All of the sudden I get the feeling of depression. I am not sure if it has been building up with me and I am finally noticing it or if it just hit me as I sat here at the computer.

I just feel kinda weird. sorta lost.

Not really wanting to do anything but needing to do everything. Maybe I am feeling overwhelmed.

Did not get the part I wanted in a play I auditioned for. It has been a long time since I have set my foot on stage as someone else and I miss it. I am thinking seriously about giving it up and finding another outlet.
I have been trying to write more and paint, I think I need to concentrate more on writing and painting and not worry about acting..

I need to focus more on one thing than several different things, because I think I have stretched myself to the point of snapping.

I will think on it this weekend...

My Past; My Future

Flowers of my past.

.

Spring has gone.

.

Summer almost gone.

.

Fall will be here soon.

.

Winter around the courner.

...

.

This year has traveled through my life faster than any year that I have known.

So many changes this year.

My daughter is now in College. A big change for her and for me.

It was a long hard journey to get her there but she has made it and she is on her own path, and now my life seems somewhat empty with out her here.

.

I miss her.

.

I still have my son with me and he has his journey. But soon, he will be traveling down his own path too, and into his own life leaving all of his child hood behind.

.

Growing up is hard.

Promises........

Promises spoken,
Never fulfilled

Words delivered in sweet soft sounds.
Words drawn into the heart and locked in the soul

Believing …….

Hoping...……

Dreams consume the mind
Create fantasies

Words drawn into the heart and locked in the soul
Words delivered in sweet soft sounds.

Never fulfilled
Promises spoken.

Yellow....

Today is my yellow day.
I am dressed all in yellow from my socks to my pants and shirt; All different shades of yellow, from mustard to light yellow.

Yellow is the color of sunshine. It's associated with joy, happiness, intellect, and energy

Yellow produces a warming effect, arouses cheerfulness, stimulates mental activity, and generates muscle energy.

Yellow evokes pleasant, cheerful feelings

Yellow is an unstable and spontaneous color, so avoid using yellow if you want to suggest stability and safety.


I guess I am not stable today. So Yellow it is!!!

Things from my child hood

I have noticed that certain smells; sounds; sights and taste, take me back to the memories of my child hood, remembering things that I have long ago forgotten, and in those brief moments, I loose myself.

It is the smell of a wet wooden window sill after a summer rain. This takes me to days when I sat in my room with the window open and I would watch the rain fall on the pine trees around my house and the aroma of the wet wood beneath my elbows would fill the air. I would sit and stare out of the window and day dream.

It is the sound of crickets chirping on hot summer evenings. This brings to mind of nights to hot to sleep in the house and my Dad, pulled our mattresses out on the front porch where we would lay and listen to the night with the Crickets lulling us to sleep.

It is the sight of a dirt road leading the way to town shaded by the trees growing on the hill above. In the autumn, the leaves would fall like snow with the ever present breeze, coloring the road with a multitude of colors like a quilt.

It is the taste of a Sassafras twig pulled directly off the tree to chew on while walking through the woods on a cool spring day listening to the birds sing.

These are my memories from long ago that I share with you. These Memories will soon be tucked away as present day life invades and they will be lost again for a long time until something triggers them to surface once again.

A little better day.....

To fix the car $400.00
To fix the well $6300.00
My foot mending. $10.00 co-pay

having a glass of wine and surfing the net ... priceless

Well things got worse,......

The well. Well......... have to have a new one dug.. the guys working on it lost the pump in the well. The pipe broke it was attached to and the well colapsed ..... 3000 to 6000 dollars to fix. Another week without water...
Had to walk to work with my bad foot...... over an hour late..Car died this morning.... .. Its either fuel pump or fuel filter..... hoping for the filter... bet its the pump... any where from 10 to 150.00 to fix.... 1 day to 1 week without a car....

Did not have a good day today.. .... Cried most of it.... Still crying....

Need a bath too....

Never say....

Things could not get any worse, because once you do, then it does. Are well stopped working. We have been without water for about a week now. We had a guy out to look at it and he pretty much said that it is the pump in the well. What makes it even worse we have to “find” the blasted well out in the yard. It’s not properly marked so we have been a 3 days looking for it.

I think we finally found it, in the most awkward area that you can ever imagine. This pump has been located right underneath the privacy fence. Yep. And this fence is a fence that Rick and I installed about 3 years ago, and one of the fence posts is within inches of the well. Can ya beat that!

So now we have to dig up the area around where the well is at. Hopefully not move a fence post and then call the guy to come and fix it.

Once this thing is fixed then we have to move part of the fence. And I am not going to say, “Things could not get any worse”. Cause as soon as I do, they will.

The Prom Dress. & my Sister's Graduation

Austin's Prom Dress that I made for her....
She makes me laugh everyday..

She said she had a wonderful time at the prom even though she went without a date.

Austin will be graduating May 30th from high school, and then on to college in the fall.

Time has flown since kindergarden!




This is my Sister Kim, Who just graduated from Wheeling Jesuit.
It has taken my sister 29 years to get this degree. I am very proud of her!!!

tooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have toooooo much going on right now!
I am working on the kitchen (see previous post)

Dealing with the break up and the mend up of my daughter and her boy friend! Any Mother will know that when a child breaks up with their boy/girl friend you suffer too. (the crying; the moodiness; and the depression that everything has ended at that moment.) Well They are "working it out". I just think they need to call it off because the excuses he gave her for the break up were soooooo lame in the first place . Now I mean really "your the right girl at the wrong time" " I need someone who can come and see me " WELL HELLO!! She does not have a car let alone her licence, what did he expect! she lives on one side of Columbus and he on the other! Now it seems that he wants to try again. Stupid. I know I am bitter but he did this 2 weeks before prom and I have been Working on my daughters Prom dress and trying to finish it (Prom is Friday pictures to follow) I just think he is Lame. But HOWEVER even though they are back together and working it out, He is not taking her to Prom, she is going by herself. Enough said. I am just .... well . enough said

I broke my foot ,,, well I have a stress fracture and it hurts like hell!! Sooo I am on pain meds and have my foot wrapped up right now. I cannot walk without pain. The foot doc wants me to get better shoes that costs around 100.00 which I cannot afford. So I not sure what I am going to do about that one. Beg on the streets? sell my body?? wont get much thats for sure.

I may be loosing my Job. Of course I started this Job last September, the signs are there and I can feel it . It is not that I have done anything wrong at this Job, on the contray I think I do a great Job. I have not been told any thing negative about what I do. (but I have not been told anything good either) and it seems that they pile on other work to other people who are over worked but then tell me they have nothing for me to do. GO FIGURE . I believe I am only there until this one person comes back from maternity leave (she had the baby today) and then I am sure that I am out the door. ... So I am looking for another Job right now and I would like to find one before she comes back. You know beat them to the punch. I have talked to a few co-workers and they can sense it too. (someone else was fired today but not sure why yet) I dont think this is a good place to work. should have sensed it when I first started. No-one and I mean NO-ONE had any or very little personal stuff on their desk. Like they are all waiting to walk out the door and never come back. I should have seen it then. So I am looking now.

I mentioned that Prom is Friday so I took a half day off work to get My daughter ready she is still going with friends in a limo. She will have a great time regardless. I also have to leave the same night to go to my moms and then on Saturday see my Sister Graduate from College. Its a big deal in our family. Since she has been about 20 years getting this degree... YAH!! for her !!
I love my sister dearly and this is a major victory for her considering all she has been thru in the last 20+ years.
I am then coming back the same day (2 hour drive) to help with strike at Fidler on the Roof. Not sure how much I will be able to help (hence the foot) but it will be fun anyway.
Sunday I should rest, but I got plants to plant and a pond to clean out.
Yeah too much,
I will most likely dream of tornados tonight................

Destruction .....

Of my Kitchen. We are at the start of a beautiful kitchen. This is the destruction part



Hopefully one of these days soon, I will be able to show the finished product.

Did not notice -- I am alone

I did not notice you had gone
-----------I am alone with overwhelming thoughts of sadness
I did not notice that you did not say good bye
----------I am alone with silence from your unspoken thoughts
I did not notice your expression of remorse
---------I am alone with only the memory of you leaving
I did not notice
--------I am alone

Changes

I need a change. Something different; something exciting; something that makes people say wow! Look at her!
Not sure if I need a look change, or a personality change. Or maybe I don’t need that at all. Maybe I just want it.
Do I think I am boring?? Yeah.
Do I think I am ugly?? Yeah.
Do I preserve myself in a negative manner? Depends.
Sometimes I like myself and who I have become, other times I don’t.
I guess this must be the time that I don’t like myself.
I am not where I think I should be, I don’t look the way I want to look. I am not doing what I think I need to be doing, and I feel stuck.
Maybe it’s a mid-life thing. They say men go through it, but I know women go through it too. Oh, we don’t go out and buy an expensive sports car, or trade in the spouse for a twenty year old. No, I think women are more subtle than that.
Oh I am sure there are women, who do trade in the spouse, but not all. Some of us just re-evaluate where we are in life, set new goals and strive to get to those goals…..
Or we get a new hair style…….. That’s it! I will start there.

Precious Time

Life Holds precious time. Once that time has past, Death occurs.

My Grandmother, was true to herself, and lived life raising a family on her own. She worked hard putting food on the table and clothes on the backs of her four children.
She was a strong woman and did not let anyone run her over. She lived her life with Dignity and grace.
Her life was one of many that has passed on the same day.
She will be always be remembered by me and anyone else who knew her, as a great and wonderful person who did everything for the sake of her family.

http://www.timeswv.com/obituaries/local_story_062184408.html

_________
.
.
.

Dealing with Life; and the insurance company

As the insurance company always states "Life comes at you fast". That is an understatement. When life happens, it is at a split second that a decision has to be made as what to do and where to turn.

I wrecked my car. About 2 weeks ago, someone made the decision to pull right out in front of me and stop. She actually stops, in the middle of the road. In a split second, I had to make a decision to hit my breaks, swerve, and try to get around her. I did not make it. In that split second I saw the front end of my car crumple into her back driver’s side door. In that split second, I could see her face, frozen in a state of shock. In that split second my life changed.

No-one was hurt, thank god.

The police came and a report was filed.

She was sited for failure to yield, Driving without a license, (she had a learners permit), and driving without a licensed driver in the car. The car she was driving had temporary tags on it, but, she did have insurance.

My car would not start nor would I been able to move it anyway since the fender was pasted to the tire. A tow truck was called and the car was towed to the nearest garage.

Because of “her” decision to drive that day without a licensed driver, and “her” decision to stop in the middle of the road, I am without a car.

Her insurance company totaled the car, and settled with me, with a check for $3500.00. Now I have to find a car for that amount. I have been looking this week, and I can tell you there is not much out there for that amount of money.

Because of “her” decision, I am forced to make decisions that I am not prepared to do at this time.

Because of “her” decision, my life changed. It may not be that drastic, but it has changed.

Even though “her” decision was her choice, it caused a chain reaction of events that will forever change the lives of other people.

“Life comes at you fast”… yeah, that’s an understatement.

Jealousy

Jealousy stems from ones lack of understanding of ones inability to accomplish what they wish they could have or should have done.
It comes from the inner most boughs of your subconscious letting you feel the heart break of defeat, the pain of never getting there first; the feeling of failure.
So we dig on that person, cut them down, trying to justify out true feelings.
Why? Because they accomplished something that we only dreamed about; they, are the writers, the singers, the models, and we cut them down. They are accomplishing their goals and yet we are still sitting….Sitting and waiting.
For what?

"Born Only Yesterday"

I wanted to share this little story I wrote when Austin, my daughter was in second grade, now she is a senior and will be graduating! Life Move's soooo fast!!!

I titled this; “Born Only Yesterday”


“I love you! Have a good day!” “I love you too Mom! See ya later!” She shouts at me as she bounces from the car, her bright eyes shinning; her two front teeth to wide for her mouth beaming back at me. She turns and bolts up the sidewalk meeting a couple of classmates along the way. I sigh as I watch her long hair swish against her pink jacket; her book bag, dragging the ground as she moves to the door and disappears into school.
She’s in the second grade now and in a few short weeks she’ll graduate and ready for third grade.
But she was born only yesterday!
Yesterday, the doctor announced “It’s a girl!” as he laid her into my arms. All the pain from before, shifted to joy as I gazed at my little girl. I carried her for what seemed forever and now I hold her for the first time; her dark gray eyes observing me as well. She has 10 toes and fingers a perfect little baby. My life changed, and I pondered, what will she be like? Like me? Like her Dad? Or a combination of both? Will she be tall will she have hair!? I hope, she has none now. Will she grow up strong? Will I raise her right? Can I even take good care of her and give her what she needs?
When was her first step? What was her first word? She’s out of diapers now and moving fast; growing; talking; laughing; crying; playing; learning; working; thinking; living; growing-growing. She is in the second grade – onto third. Soon she’ll be in high school, discovering boys; learning about herself, who she is and what she wants to be.
Graduating, then hopefully college, working hard for a degree; graduating again and out into a good and promising career.
Finding her a spouse; getting married and having her first baby; I’m a Grand Mother now, watching my Grand Child grow… into a happy life.
I stare at the empty sidewalk. School has begun. Time has flown so fast, she’s grown so much in such a short time! I’m not sure where time has gone! Time is so quick I can’t slow her down! I need more time with her! Does she know I love her and I want her to be completely happy and have self worth!
I need her to need me. Will she always need me? To help her walk; to talk; stand on her own! Yes, she still needs me, but she’s growing up too fast!
I stare at the empty side walk with my memories; my thoughts fade into reality when I hear…
“Mommy lets go home and Play!”
My son, his big brown eyes gazing at me “Let’s go Mommy!”
I sigh, Shift the car into gear, he’s three, and he was born only this morning……...

New Year Resolutions

Ok… I guess I should make some…. Hopefully I can get through half of them before next year……………..


Hear it goes.

1. Become more organized. BIG One on my plate! I have started with the Christmas decorations, by going thru it all and getting rid of stuff and re-packing It all up to fit in one spot in my basement so I can find it next year without Searching thru all of my stuff. (However, I have now found a few items that have missed the storage boxes..... I have also hit the after-Christmas ales…)

2. Loose weight. ANOTHER BIG item to accomplish…. (Sitting here eating Chocolate Kisses that I found at a 75% off Christmas sale isn’t really helping this cause, but the bags of Kisses were only .79 cents!!..{I bought 6 bags}… Justified…… Sale candy does not count toward the diet so I am OK)

3. Cut back on spending….. After the After-Christmas sales are depleted……

4. Exercise my Body…. I have a bike that I bought last year and rode a few times. I am going to try to ride it more this year… weather permitting….. Time permitting…. Body permitting

5. Exercise my Mind…. Ok… I have a mind …. Somewhere….

6. Finish writing my book…. This one I do want to get done this year. I have been writing this book for over 5 years now and I NEED TO FINISH IT!! I hope I can.. IT would feel FABULOUS! And if I can get it published!!

7. Be a Friend…… Keep in contact with old friends…… Make new friends……

8. Don’t get thrown in Jail… OK.. I don’t think I will have to worry about this one too much… However, I do know a couple of Lawyers…. Just in case….

9. Finish projects that I have started….. I have a lot of projects ….. One of them being #1 listed above……#6 above……

10. Take myself out of control …… Imagine…. Play….. Let go….. Fly…..

These are my resolutions for the year…What are you resolving to do???