Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve, the stores are closed and the malls are empty.
The last last stragglers of Christmas panic are now hitting the gas stations looking for that "special gift" for that special someone.
Nothing says Christmas like a motor oil and wiper blades.







My wish to all of you out there......
A very special Christmas
Wrapped in Joy and Wonder

Reminiscing and Memories

Thanksgiving has gone and past and Christmas is around the corner. This was one of my better Thanksgivings since my Dad passed away. I miss him. He has been gone for about 5 years and I still miss him. Even though we fought and butted heads over most things, and in my early years he drank and was drunk for most holidays, well most of the time he was drunk, and I still miss him.
I don’t think I ever really hated my Dad although I hated the way he was, that he was always drunk, and mean. He was drunk at work (I worked with him too) and at home too. He tried to control us kids, and every aspect of our lives, and I rebelled at every turn.
But he is gone and those sad memories are in the past. Dad was sober for the about the last 20 years of his life and tried to make the most of what he lost.
I didn’t have the happy childhood that I would have liked to have had, but I do have the understanding not to make the same mistakes that he did, and I hope my kids are having a good time growing up.
As I said before, this was a good Thanksgiving. I went to my old home town Mannington W.Va. and got to see my Grandmother, who will be 99 next March. I got to tour my old Grade school that I attended up until the 8th grade. I spent time with my mom and my aunt, also with my sisters and brother.
We talked and laughed about memories, and reminisced about the past. We don’t hold onto grudges and we don’t harp on any ill feelings.
We are a family, although dysfunctional, we are a family just the same.

Hard to read.......

People.

I have noticed that some people are not that hard to read. You know exactly what they are thinking before they open their mouths and you have a keen sense who they are.

I have also noticed that others send mixed signals that leads you, then all of the sudden, the plot changes and you are in a totally different chapter of that person. Almost like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide.

And others cannot be read at all. They are not allowing anyone to get close enough to get into their world, or, if they do, they don’t allow you to stay long enough to get to know them. I would not say they are closed off, or stuck on themselves. Maybe they are just shy and are afraid of what people may think of them. Maybe they are hiding from their insecurities.

I am not sure where I fall into these observations.

Understanding Me

Part of me is trying to understand the reasoning behind my fantasies.
Part of me does not want me to understand, why I think the way I do.
I don’t understand me.
If I tried to analyze my inner most thoughts, would I go insane?
Or should I just fantasize.

The Inconvenience of Convenience.

You don’t realize how convenient things are to your every day lives until they become inconvenient for use.

My car battery is dead. That in itself throws my life into a virtual tail spin. The most convenient tool that has ever been invented is now a "can" with seats and wheels sitting in the driveway with life support attached to it. I am now stuck waiting to see if the car will live, so I can go to the store to buy more convenient things to make our lives better.
Or do they?? We are so dependant on convenience, that when those convenient things we buy, becomes inconvenient for use we are at a panic!

We don’t know how to function without electricity (another very important convenience). When the electric goes out, everything stops. The refrigerator; the TV; the washer & dryer, the furnace and the Coffee pot!! Our lives depend on that jolt of energy that we purchase month to month to make our lives easier.

The car dies, you are trapped in your house and you cannot go anywhere unless you walk, or ride a bike, which takes time and energy that we, who were born into the life of convenience, are to stubborn to depart with. So we sit and wait.

The simple life is missing. A life where cars are not needed; computers are not used; electricity is non-existent; and energy is spent from our own bodies and not from a flick of a switch. Where you plant a garden in the spring and grow your own food; have a family of farm animals to nurture through out the year, and in the fall they nurture you. And where you spend long winter evenings in front of a wood burning fire; playing a simple game of checkers; talking with loved ones, and falling asleep at a decent hour.

We depend too much on the conveniences that have been provided to us, that we loose ourselves in hustle and bustle of our busy lives, that when our “conveniences” have been taken away, we are lost.
Can we survive?

Personal Observations and Thoughts.....

Computers are not real, they are inanimate objects.
They don’t talk back, (unless you hit the wrong key)
They don’t get angry if you yell at them.
They don’t require attention.
They don’t need any encouragement to grow.
They don’t care if you neglect them.
They don’t care how much you take from them,
And they don’t care if you give nothing back.

People are real, they are intimate human beings.
They talk back, (especially if you hit the wrong key)
They get angry if you yell at them
They require attention
They need encouragement to grow
They care if you neglect them.
They care how much you take from them,
“Especially” if you give nothing back.

Tornadoes, and Me

This past Monday evening, the skies darkened, and the sirens rang through out the neighborhood. Our weather alert radio was sounding out its warnings to take shelter; to go to the basement and to stay away from any windows. A tornado was sighted not more than 5 to 7 miles from where I live. So where do you think I was?? Standing outside, with my sister, looking for this tornado!! Not the smartest thing to do, I know…. But that is where we were, searching the skies, trying to find any sign of this tornado, to catch a glimpse of its swirling cloud.
How ominous it felt outside! No breeze at all stirring the trees, stillness. Not a sound from the birds; nor the cicadas, so deathly quiet. The air, heavy in your lungs, tight around your body, your heart pounding, and about every 10 minutes the warning sirens would sound its eerie wail, and we stood there in the drive way waiting, listening, watching.
The tornado never showed. Soon you could hear in the distance the cicadas, then the birds, the air loosened its grip as a slight wind blew through the trees. It was over.
Disappointed, and relieved at the same time. I don’t know why, I am scared to death of thunder storms, but tornadoes fascinate me.

Believing

I follow thee into the mist.
Leaving behind the cold.
Believing.
Soaring thru the shadows old.
Breaking the ropes that have bound.
Believing.
Not hearing a sound.
Thru the mist I see.
Believing.
Looking for thee.
Searching for others who have gone before.
Believing.
No one hears, I don’t cry anymore.
I am with thee.
Believing.

Laughter is my Love

I love to laugh. And anyone who makes me laugh, I love. The laugh I have is not one of those little laughs. My Laugh is loud and hearty. It leaves no room of doubt that I loved what I just witnessed or heard. People seem to be able to pull me into their world of comedy and I am thoroughly entertained, no matter where I am at or what the subject is. If it is funny, I love it.
I have a great group of friends, (thespians) that love to entertain, and anything they do, whether it is on stage, or at a party (like the one I attended last night), they do it with such ease, and grace. They know how to live.
I want to thank my friends for being my friends. For entertaining me and others with your wit, your hilarious side splitting antics. For allowing me to laugh my hearty laugh, and giving me some of my most cherished memories. I love you all.

Lost in my Head

Thoughts jammed in.
Ideas pouring through.
Can't seem to find the way.
Lost in a sea of memories.

Pre Conceived Notions.

Do not judge a person on what you see on the outside.
Always look deep into the soul and see the richness that lies inside.
Get to know them.
Do not pass them by because they don’t quite fit into your “Ideal World”
Do not shun them because they are different from you.
Do not put them down, because they do not think as you.
Get to know them.
Look out of your “Ideal World”….and Grow.

Birthdays

Birthdays.
I guess we all have them and mine is coming up in a couple of days. This is a time that I reflect on my past, from where I came from, to where I am going now. And I wonder, if during the times where I had to make decisions in my life, where I had to choose which way to go. If, I had chosen a different path, a different road……… Where would I have ended up at today?

Midnight Swims

The botl awards. This is an award ceremony much like the Tony’s or the Oscars in Hollywood. It is for a community theatre that I belong to. It was a very entertaining night, some people won awards that I expected to win, others won that I did not expect to win. All in all it was nice, except that it was sooo hot in the theatre! The air conditioner was on, but because it has been in the 90's yesterday, and the air conditioner was working at full tilt but was not producing any results. When I left last night at 11:30pm I was hot and sticky from sweating most of the night. I went home and stripped in my living room and jumped into our pool.
No one was around and it was dark (which is a good thing because I did not want to scare anyone (sorry folks not a body worth looking at)).
I floated around the warm water watching the stars above. I felt like I was in a state of peacefulness with in myself. It just seemed so freeing to be floating nude, as if I was back in the womb of my mom. Nothing binding me, nothing holding me, just free. By myself, in the dark, with the stars.

Running away from everything

There are days and even weeks that I feel like that I need to run away from home and not come back. This is what I feel like right now. Everything seems not to be going the way that it should.
Everything seems to be breaking at once, and no money to fix them. Items that have broke in the last 6 months; The refrigerator; The coffee pot; The clothes Dryer; Two TV's; The septic Tank; The pool filtration system; If one more thing breaks in this house I will have to scream!

Job hunting is not going well. I have posted my resume on monster again and applied for a position thru there, and well of course I have not heard from them as of yet, but I have gotten a call from a company that no one in their right mind should work for, and an e-mail from another company that I have never heard of. I have also sent my resume into several positions offered a OSU but have not heard from them either (was told they can be slow).

Kids are wanting money to do what ever (of course everyone has this who has kids)
Present Job is driving me nuts

I want to run away. Just leave and not return. Go someplace where I can forget all of this.
I want to go someplace where I can have fun or relax or not do anything at all.
Somepeople would say "Take a vacation" but you have to return from a vacation. I dont want to return. I just want to go.
My luck my car would break down on the way.

Procrastination

Procrastinate - To put off doing something (that is not pleasant to do), until some future time; to post pone habitually.
Procrastination and Procrastinator

This is the short definition of this word that is listed in the Webster's New World Dictionary.
This seems to be also the word that describes our house hold right now. Everyone is putting off stuff that needs to be done today, until a later date.
My son has been putting off doing the dishes until they are so piled high that he needs help in doing them... Well tonight he is doing them but not without a huge fight. He can think of almost anything just not to do these dishes, from that he is tired to he is hungry or he will do something to hurt himself, thinking that will get him out of doing the dishes. Well tonight he had the floor wet, so he slips and falls on the floor and starts to cry that he can’t get up. I told him that even if he breaks his leg tonight, he will finish the dishes first, and then I will take him to the hospital.
My Daughter does not like to do any house work. I had asked her tonight to pick up the living room (only papers and stuff lying out of place). A job that will take her all but 5 minutes to do, Only 5 minutes!... We spent the next 10 minutes arguing over the fact that she did not have time and she needed to paint.
My husband puts things off around the house that needs fixing or just some routine maintenance; to the point that it is now broken beyond repair or it is a major repair. This runs into a lot of money which if fixed or maintenance in the first place...... We are constantly bickering over what needs fixed first.
Me, I have been putting off looking for and registering for scholarships for my daughter, I have put off folding laundry until I have 6 baskets sitting around that needs folded, I put off cleaning out the car, and cleaning out my closets (both now resemble one an other), I have got to plant my plants, weed my garden, and clean my house..... It never seems to end..... I am the ultimate Procrastinator, and I wear this label well. I am not sure why I do this, these are things that need done. They are the unpleasant things in life, the routine things that once done..... You just have to do them again later... So why do they now when you have to do them later anyway?
Tonight I put Procrastinate on the back burner if only for the moment.
To let you know...
The dishes are done
The living room is picked up
Things are getting fixed around the house (but we still bicker over which is first)
And I got my laundry folded, the garden weeded, plants planted...
Cars and closets are not cleaned, scholarships still in need of being searched for.
I guess I will do that tomorrow,”After all, tomorrow is another day"

Babies.....

Today at church, I held my friends new born baby boy, and in so by doing this has put me in the mood........ I need another baby...... This will never happen, because I am well over 40, and also the means have been tied if you know what I mean. However the urge is still there.
But I love babies. I especially love the ones that are only a few weeks old. They are so pure, so innocent. They fit in the curve of your arm so perfectly... and they sleep so peacefully. And when the curl up when they are in the midst of stretching, that is my favorite.
I sat and held this beautiful baby all through the church, and fed him and burped him as well.
He is a sweet baby. One that I wish I could once again have. But it’s only an urge. Which for most women, the urge never goes away.
At the end of church, he started to get a little restless (most likely needed changed) and fussy. I, at that point was more than happy to give him back to his mom so she could change him. That, my friends is an instant (and temporary) cure for me of wanting a new baby (until the next one comes along).

Hey! What are you looking at!!

One of the cutest bears I seen at the Zoo! Love his expression! Makes me wonder what he was thinking about....

What do you think?

I wonder.....

If any one has any Idea where they are going in life.
I am heading in one direction, then I am turned around and heading in another direction.
Then while traveling in that direction, I am pulled down another path that leads me to a fork.
At that fork, I have to decide which way to go.
Do I choose left, or right, or just stay where I am at and not move.
I have to move, or life passes by and leaves me in the dust.
So I have to choose.
Which ever path I go, life goes with me.

Selfish

Do not like it when people are selfish.
It bothers me that one person can only think of only themselves, and feel that they cannot help anyone else because it “interferes” in their life or what they are doing, even if they are only sitting in a chair watching TV, or just laying down in the middle of the afternoon.
I know that sometimes people have a lot on their plate and they can’t be there to help someone out, or even just to listen to the person because they need someone to talk to. I can understand that. People are busy.
But when the only thing you have planned is to lie down, or to catch a show on TV, and you cannot take the time to help someone find something, or even talk to them for a little while, then I have a problem with that.
I know that I am not perfect and I am guilty of doing the same thing on occasion, and I am not proud of that fact either. So I try to do better as a person and I hope that I do.
I treasure my friendships that I have, and so I take the time not to be selfish and to listen to someone that may need my ear. I will help someone find what they lost because what they lost is dearer to them than a TV Program
Sleep, I can do later.
I have a lot on my plate right now, but I will take the time to be a friend and not the time to be selfish.

Mother's Day

Mother’s day is tomorrow and I have sent my mom a card like most people do. It was not a funny one like I normally send, but more of a sentimental one. Not the sappy sick dripping with sugar one’s but one that is more general but still has a sentiment about it.
I don’t know why I did not send a funny one. I found this one and thought it was nice I guess, and figured she would like it.
So I bought it and mailed it with my “I love you” hand written inside. The funny thing is that I will never see those words written from her to me. Never hear those words said from her to me. My mom, for some reasons only known to her, or maybe she does not know, cannot seem to say those words.
Those three little words “I Love You” are the hardest words for anyone to say to the ones we care so much about, and I wonder…… Why?
It’s not because we have no one to love, most of us do. Some of us have a significant other that we care for; some have friends or relatives that are held with deep affection within our hearts. We show these people everyday that we love them, by our actions. It may be a small thing, like doing the dishes or mowing the grass, so the other does not have to do it; or bringing you a cup of coffee without having to ask for one.
But those words are hard. Most people cannot bring themselves to say them. They can do a million things that show the same thing but they cannot say the only words that most of us yearn to hear. It’s a validation that we all need. We all need to hear those words.
I know my mom loves me and she has tried so many times to say those words. When I tell her that I love her, she will smile and say “Okay”, and every once in a while she will mumble something back to me that sounds like it. It’s very hard for her.
I have come to accept the fact that I may never hear those words clearly coming from her. But that is okay. I will say them her “I Love You Mom!”

Mystery Behind Us.

Everyone reads everyone differently, and no one understands everyone fully. There is always an element of mystery surrounding all people, even those who think they have nothing to hide. But they do.
Everyone hides something.

Everyone has a hidden meaning of what they are about, and they do not let their guard down to show it, not even to their most intimate partner. It may only be one little thought that keeps you out of reach.

Its funny how you think you may know someone or you may read someone one way, and come to find out that they are not as you thought.

It’s the Mystery Behind Us.

Prom

Today I cut out my daughter's prom dress, and it has made me feel that time has past so fast. I cannot believe that she will be going to a prom this year. It seems that she was born only yesterday. She was laid in my arms, this beautiful little girl 16 1/2 years ago. This child, whom I was afraid of, afraid that I could not take care of her and teach her what she needed in life to survive,. Afraid that she would not grow up to be confident in what she does, Afraid that she would not understand why I don't let her do some things that she feels the need to do. Afraid she would hate me for any punishment that I may have to give her. Afraid of all the outside pressures she would face as a teenager, and her not being able to resist those pressures.
But she has proven to me time and time again that she is smart and confident in all that she does. And she understands that I have to sometimes set limits. She understands when she does something wrong, that punishment is something that she has to take, and she does not stop loving me because of it. And she knows that she has a choice not to give in to those outside pressures, and let others steer her the wrong way.
She amazes me in everything she tries to do, and shows me everyday that she is growing up into a beautiful person. Someone who loves life and is not afraid to face what ever comes her way.
I am grateful that I have the chance to raise her.
I love her so much!

My Mind

My Mind

Such a thing that is my mind.
It does not leave me with much thought.
Most of the time it is un-kind.
With battles old that has already been fought.

Shadows of the past lurk in everywhere.
Bringing forth memories best left alone.
None that I am able to release and share.
With all who pass me, never are they shown.

Friends that know me, don’t.
Strangers, who see me, do.
Family, who fear me, won’t.
People who are me, true.

My Mind

My mind went racing through my thoughts and crashed into a sea of confusion, and I am drowning.
How is it that one can be excited; confused; happy; sad and scared at the same time, and still be able to function normally. Or am I?

Well, its 10pm at night, and I got home about 20 minutes ago. Everyone is in bed. That is where I should be, but I am not. I am up, thinking stupid thoughts and having random brain power outages.
Stupid thought #1. How far is too far?
Stupid thought #2. What makes me think?
Stupid thought #3. Why can't I read signals?

Power outage #1. Nothing connects the brain to the mouth, and sometimes I say things that don't make sense, & I just ramble on and on. This is why I have trouble reading signals and don't know how far to take things, which makes me think random thoughts os stupidness. And I wonder why people look at me funny.

Stupid thought #4. Fantasy -vs- Reality
Stupid thought #5. Reality -vs- Fantasy

Power outage #2. When do you cross the line? Where is the line? How many lines are there? Is it broken or solid?
Do other people have the same line? Or do they have no lines and are on the verge of living in a world of their own creation.
I often wondered, that once you cross that line from reality to fantasy, can you return without any residual fall out? I think not.

Attraction

Attraction. What attracts a man to a woman? What attracts a woman to a man? These are questions that have often pondered in my head, especially when I run across a man that I find very appealing and that attracts me. That is what I always ask, what about this person do I find alluring to me? And each one is different, some men it is the way they look. Others it is their personality. And there are even some, it is the way they smell (not stink mind you) but certain men to have a nice aroma about them either their cologne or after shave they use, or maybe they have not used anything and it is their body chemistry. Sometimes it is also the way they look at you and you are left wondering, are they attracted to you? Or are they having a senior moment and they have lost all thoughts in reality.Men are hard to read sometimes. Some of them they hide their feelings all to well but when they think no one is paying attention to them, then they let their guard slip and you can catch that fleeting thought they are feeling at that moment. Others have thoughts that you can see in the way the look at you and you know just what they are thinking. And still others are so blatantly obvious that you get the feeling that all they want to do is jump your bones. As I do not think that I am attractive enough for any man to feel any sort of an attraction with just looking at me. I think that my personality does seem to attract some attention in this manner. (At least I hope) It makes one feel that they are at least not a total dog.

Insecurities

We all have our own insecurities, Our own acceptance level of our selves, and how we precieve ourselves in the minds of others. If we fit or not in a certain group of friends or do we feel an outsider amoung our most intimate friends. Its funny how we think and feel about things.
Sometimes I can go through the day and not care where I am at, or what I may say, until it is already spoken and out in the open for all to critique. Then I worry about what people may think of me, which puts me on the outside of most things.
Then I get over it and move on.
It does not matter what other people think of me, it is how I think of myself that matters.

Have not been here for a while...  Kinda interesting that people will write on these things their most intimate thoughts, or their fears, or just ramble on about nothing. Just so people can come in and take a peak at what that person may be like. Thousands upon thousands of people can look at this, or no-one at all will look and read what I have wrote. Almost like that old saying "If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to here it , does it make a sound?"
What sound am I making?